(no subject)

[pamelonian]

Denial is not working out for me. Denial wakes me at 4:00 AM with my eyelids glued shut because I was likely crying in my sleep.

I'm losing the best friend I have. No big deal, huh? There are other people to meet. (Unless you are like me and too strange or shy to meet new people). My best friend moved to Florida when I was 14, and while I visited a year later, everything had changed. I didn't see her again until over 20 years had passed.

I don't care about caring about myself. I can't buy groceries because I don't care what I will be eating in 4 days.

I can still look after others. That is the only thing that may keep me going these days. I taught aikido this morning and kids aikido yesterday. One of the perks of teaching kids classes is that their parents remember you at holidays. I got some pizza and birthday cake because it was one of the kids' birthday. I sometimes get Christmas presents, too.

The lack of a good night's sleep is catching up with me. I fell asleep 40 minutes into Godzilla vs Megalon today. Granted, it's a bad movie, but I still need to do things today.

I wanted to ride my bike today but I can't bring myself to do it. I need to exercise. It has been my way of "outrunning" depression. For the past 7 years it has worked, except when faced with losses. I lost a best friend last year to the "boyfriend abyss." Kittymoose passed away the year before. This all started when I was dumped and left with a Post-it. (OK, it was really a note, but it would have fit on a Post-it). I was stuck with ass-loads of bills I had to take a second job to pay. Last fall, my brother decided to run from the law. When I am in this sad head space it is too easy to focus on the losses and disappointments in my life. I realize good things have happened, but they don't support my case right now.

Comments

[medousamedea.livejournal.com]

This all started when I was dumped and left with a Post-it.

Did you know there is an entire episode of Sex and the City devoted to that subject?

Post-its

[pamelonian.livejournal.com]

Of course, I knew! The line in my journal was for you and maybe shrijani to recognize. I immediately saw my own life when I viewed that episode.

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

I understand completely what you're going through. I went through it in 1995 when Todd moved from SC to Seattle Washington. He's now in Vancouver Washington, but still a half a world away. Honestly, I haven't gotten over losing my best friend yet. It's something that sticks to you. All I can say is that I feel for you and with you in this. You're not alone.

[pamelonian.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your comment. It is sad to know that I will not be over this in ten years, but not unexpected. My Cat (capital C, the One cat the others were just here to keep company) died 2 years ago and I am still not over that.

I guess it would be wrong to try to get shrijani not to move away just so I can sleep through the nights. Maybe I should just get a Sleep Number bed.

Friends

[adriang.livejournal.com]

I wish I could help, but there really is no substitute for a good friend whom you've known for a very long time. I was a consultant, for a while, and for me, each new contract meant moving and pretty much saying goodbye to all the fiends I had met. I've kept in touch with some of them, by email, but that's not the same. The prospect of saying goodbye to still more friends is one of the factors that pushed me to settle and take a long term job. I supposed I have more practice than most at saying goodbye, but it still never got to be easy.

It will be hard, but you'll get through it.

Adrian

Re: Saying goodbye

[pamelonian.livejournal.com]

I don't even like saying goodbye to the other teachers before summer vacation. I am usually the last to leave so I can avoid that. One time I knew I was leaving, but didn't tell anyone I wouldn't be back the following year. You just never know when we check out for the summer.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

=(

*hug*

[zitronenhai.livejournal.com]

Please don't think of it as a loss. I won't be in town anymore, but that won't change the essence of our friendship. I've kept in touch with Jackie! I cried when she left town. Hell, I cry every time I tell her goodbye. But she will ALWAYS be my friend, just like you will ALWAYS be my friend. This is not the same as your childhood friend moving away. It is true that we won't *see* each other as much, but you will maintain your position in my life, we can keep in touch online and I will make sure we can talk on the phone. I do plan to come back up here at least once a year, as well. (--hug--)

[pamelonian.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the attempt, but it IS a loss. Once a year is MUCH LESS OFTEN than seeing someone once or twice a week.

we can keep in touch online and I will make sure we can talk on the phone

I am sure you mean well, but I know how you are. That is like the kiss of death! It IS a loss. Maybe the denial has moved on to you... ;-)

Pththtthtt!

[zitronenhai.livejournal.com]

EVEN YOU cannot fly in the face of my formidable internet addiction. Even if I throw my phone into Tampa bay, I will be in the Box.