pamelonian: (Default)
Denial is not working out for me. Denial wakes me at 4:00 AM with my eyelids glued shut because I was likely crying in my sleep.

I'm losing the best friend I have. No big deal, huh? There are other people to meet. (Unless you are like me and too strange or shy to meet new people). My best friend moved to Florida when I was 14, and while I visited a year later, everything had changed. I didn't see her again until over 20 years had passed.

I don't care about caring about myself. I can't buy groceries because I don't care what I will be eating in 4 days.

I can still look after others. That is the only thing that may keep me going these days. I taught aikido this morning and kids aikido yesterday. One of the perks of teaching kids classes is that their parents remember you at holidays. I got some pizza and birthday cake because it was one of the kids' birthday. I sometimes get Christmas presents, too.

The lack of a good night's sleep is catching up with me. I fell asleep 40 minutes into Godzilla vs Megalon today. Granted, it's a bad movie, but I still need to do things today.

I wanted to ride my bike today but I can't bring myself to do it. I need to exercise. It has been my way of "outrunning" depression. For the past 7 years it has worked, except when faced with losses. I lost a best friend last year to the "boyfriend abyss." Kittymoose passed away the year before. This all started when I was dumped and left with a Post-it. (OK, it was really a note, but it would have fit on a Post-it). I was stuck with ass-loads of bills I had to take a second job to pay. Last fall, my brother decided to run from the law. When I am in this sad head space it is too easy to focus on the losses and disappointments in my life. I realize good things have happened, but they don't support my case right now.

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pamelonian

October 2013

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